As I continue my stepmom stories from our Stepping with Purpose e-book, I’m including one today from Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom. I think you’ll find her story encouraging.
“If I’m being totally honest there were times in my early years as a stepmom that I didn’t even like my stepsons, much less love them. To me they appeared spoiled and pampered, plus everyone in my husband’s family seemed to tip-toe around their wants and whines. This was the total opposite of the extremely strict, “children are seen and not heard,” single parent home in which I was raised.
But as a Christian I desired to learn how to love them. I knew Christ could teach me, if I was willing. My heart’s cry was to be a loving stepmom who had a positive influence on my husband’s sons. So I prayed, and sought God’s wisdom.
The first thing God revealed to me was that I had a tainted view of the boys. They were hurting kids, not bratty villains. Their sharp, stinging comments were merely an angry response to their circumstances. They didn’t view me as a wonderful new addition to their family; to them I was the new woman rocking their boat of security. In their eyes, I was taking away their Daddy.
Plus, I had to accept that just because I was raised in a stern home with firm rules didn’t mean that was how my husband or his former wife wanted to raise their children. I was not the parent – they were. Therefore, unless the kids were being disrespectful or harmful to me, it was not my place to interfere. For a control freak like me it was extremely hard to do, but if my marriage was to survive I had to step back, and let go of the things I could not control.
The second discovery I made was that God would use the good and the bad in my life for His glory, if I let Him. He wanted to transform my painful childhood into a channel to love. My dad remarried twice after the divorce from my mom. Therefore, I knew what it felt like to be the child who moved from the front seat in my dad’s car and life, to the back seat. This revelation stirred in me a tremendous compassion toward my stepsons. I understood it wasn’t me they were rejecting, but the circumstances. And they were afraid of more change.
Thirdly, I encountered the “Daddy Wound” to my own soul. One of the things that used to infuriate me about my stepsons was the way they treated their dad. I felt they were neglectful, rude and unappreciative. My husband was diligent to visit his kids and to pay child support on time. He would get excited and make plans for visitation, but at the last minute the boys would cancel. I’d watch him break down and cry saying, “They don’t believe that I love them, they don’t want to spend time with me.”
I was enraged and would think to myself, “I longed to have a dad who wanted to spend time with me, but he was always too busy. You have a loving father who is willing to give his time and resources and this is how you treat him. How dare you?” The toxic thoughts would brew inside of me, until one day God broke through my wall of pain. He revealed that my fury was a “knee jerk” reaction to my own deep seated feelings of abandonment.
As my Heavenly Daddy revealed all of these things, I surrendered my anger, frustration, and the need to be in control. He began to heal the wounds in my little soul, and filled the hole of shame and loneliness that had resided there for so long with His unconditional love. The freedom and peace that followed flowed into a love for others, including my stepsons.
Each stepfamily has its own hurdles, ours is no different. Choosing and learning to love my stepsons didn’t automatically fix every problem. But it did teach me how to see them through Christ’s eyes, and not my own. And that transforms everything.”
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, singles, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t,” and a featured expert on the DivorceCare DVD series. Her book The Smart Stepmom, is co-authored with stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com
Will you please join us at our next stepmom retreat? It’s a great place for hope, healing, and camaraderie with other stepmoms walking the same journey. Details here: http://sisterhoodofstepmoms.com/
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I can’t even offer any comments, because this is the struggle I’m in right at this very moment. But thank you for sharing because I know i’m not alone!
Rachael- I am in your boat! I am engaged to a man with a 12-year-old daughter who definitely does not like that he has asked me to marry him. She is filled with anger, and I am struggling to learn that it is the situation and change, not me, that cause her to say stinging comments. These blogs and comments provide so much comfort!
I can completely relate to your discomfort of being raised in a strict home and having stepkids who aren’t. We are not yet married, but we are definitely a family. I have always loved the kids. I was very lucky that they accepted me right from the start. I think they saw me as a positive addition rather then a take a way. I came from divorced parents. I wasn’t that easy to win over.
I am learning to let go and let the parents raise them and me support them.
Thanks for this
Natalie
Rachael, thank you for your comment. I’m glad you found the story helpful. Don’t give up on developing a loving relationship with your stepchildren.
Natalie, it sounds like you’re on the right path. Letting go and giving the bio parent the reins is often hard, but the best thing to do while the relationships are developing. It’s good to know your stepchildren have accepted you – you’re obviously doing something right!
Gayla
I can certainly relate to this – I am wondering if anyone can offer resources for my specific situation. I am the stepmother of a five year old girl whose mother passed away just after her second birthday. I feel like I’m expected to fill this hole in her life but with some restrictions. I desperately want to do the right thing here!
Hello Amy. Thank you for your comment. I know you are in a difficult position. There are some great books out on stepfamilies. You would love Laura Petherbridge’s book, The Smart Stepmom. You can also find some great interviews on her website that give helpful information for stepparents. http://www.LauraPetherbridge.com. Also, we would love for you to join us at our next stepmom retreat. I don’t know where you live but it’s a great way to find help and camaraderie with other stepmoms. You can find the details here: http://www.SisterhoodofStepmoms.com. We making plans for our next retreat now that will be outside St. Louis in April. I’d love to meet you there and visit with you about your specific situation. My stepchildren have lost their mother also (they were older) but I understand how hard your role is. Stay encouraged and strong in faith. God bless you on your journey. Gayla
Excellent article! I can relate to everything you wrote and have experienced the same revelation. It is so nice to see it through someone else’s eyes too…thank you!!
What if u have tried and tried to love your stepchild but they have pushed u away over the years and have been downright mean and nasty to you now that they are older…hurtful and hateful things have been done and said to me that are hard to forget!